


what's real and what's fake.

by zoombles



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Second Chances, Self Harm, based on the novel so like, deh novel spoilers, disclaimer i KNOW the novels a shitfest u dont have to remind me., tw: suicide/suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2019-09-01 22:56:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16774597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoombles/pseuds/zoombles
Summary: "I don't want it anymore."---The lie fell apart. There was nothing left. So Connor made his exit.He woke up with a second chance. Evan woke up with a second chance. Miguel woke up with a second chance.They don't know what's happening. But they're determined to get things right.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer this is the only first person chapter. it. i hate it too. i hate it too. but its supposed to be mirroring connors chapters. think of it as third person, but reading cons thoughts? idk yall.  
> this is just BARELY two pages, and only 292 words. it's the prologue tho so like whatever.

_ I make my exit. _

_ What else am I supposed to do? Hansen’s lie is done for. I don’t know how to help my family. And Miguel-- does he even miss me? _

_ I should’ve gone to see him. _

_ It’s too late now. _

_ My mind drifts back to the road, earlier that night-- would Evan had moved if I wasn’t there? _

_ I saved him, didn’t I? I saved him. I couldn’t save myself. _

_ This was what I  _ wanted. _ This is what I wanted. That night, I knew I was alone. I wanted to leave. I wanted this. _

_ I don’t want it anymore. _

_ I look up to the sky, to the stars. I stare. I just stand there and stare up. These conflictions, these paradoxes, these stars. Just like me. Gone, but not gone. _

_ And one falls. Shooting star. _

_ I make a wish without thinking. I haven’t done that for years. _

_ They aren’t even stars. Shooting stars are just meteors. Comets. Rocks with no wish-granting ability. Something else expected to do something it’s not capable of, without even being seen for what it is. Another me.  _

_ Shooting stars are just rocks burning up as they fall into our atmosphere. Crashing and burning. Never reaching the ground. That improves the metaphor. That’s my life. Afterlife. Whatever. _

_ I’ve been crashing and burning since day one. I’m still falling and burning after everything’s ended. Life was space. Infinite, filled with comets and planets and stars, spread thousands of miles, light years apart. Meteors fall into the Earth’s atmosphere. They fall, and they burn. I’ve been crashing and burning since day one. _

_ I can’t change it. I can’t fix anything. _

_ So I leave. Exit, stage right.  _

_ It’s like sleeping. It’s the last time. _

_ I fall asleep, and it’s gone. _


	2. chapter one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He woke up. 
> 
> That was the first problem. The second was that he was back in his room. The third was that his phone was on his bedside table, and when the screen turned on, the date read August 28th, 2017. The first day of school. The first day of senior year. The day he—
> 
> What the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry it’s been so long here’s your boys
> 
> cw: jareds “very — chic” joke from the show, panic attack, very slight mentions of death

He woke up. 

That was the first problem. The second was that he was back in his room. The third was that his phone was on his bedside table, and when the screen turned on, the date read August 28th, 2017. The first day of school. The first day of senior year. The day he—

What the fuck?

“Connor! Breakfast is ready!”

Cynthia. Mom. She didn’t— he hadn’t—

He stumbled out of bed. He pulled on his jacket, not bothering to change out of the clothes he’d fallen asleep in, despite the fact that they were wrinkled and smelled like pot. He skipped out on getting high this time. This time. Something weird was happening, because Connor Murphy just woke up on the day he died and he’s alive. 

He didn’t start a fight at breakfast. When his parents or his sister spoke to him, his answers were monosyllabic. He didn’t try to get out of going to school. He was, for the most part, silent. He was trying to figure out what was going on. 

He couldn’t figure it out. 

But the day still went on. Zoe drove him to school since he still didn’t have a car. He went to his classes. He sat in the back, didn’t pay attention, read over his syllabus for each class. He made it to lunch without being aware of any attacks on him.

He passed in front of Evan and Jared to get a water-- not like he’d had an appetite in a while, this didn’t change things.

_ “...school shooter chic.” _

Shit. Right. This asshole.

He turned around, gave Jared a glare, and then his gaze shifted to Evan. They locked eyes, and Connor chose to ignore Jared as he frantically went to defend himself (“I was joking. It was a joke?”) and when he left with a whispered “Freak.”

Evan looked scared, but not like he had the first time. He looked scared like Connor had looked in the mirror that morning.

“Please tell me you’re real.”

His voice was shaking.

“...Yeah. Not… not dead anymore, I guess.”

His eyes widened.

He turned away, and he ran. So Connor followed him.

Evan ran into the bathroom outside of the cafeteria, and as Connor followed him, he heard the stall door slam shut, and the click of the lock. He could hear Evan hyperventilating, shaky breaths and sobs coming from the stall.

“Hansen- Hansen, breathe. Breathe.”

“Y-you’re angry, right?” 

His voice was as shaky as his breathing.

“About what?”

“You  _ know _ . You know what I did.”

He didn’t have to specify. The Connor Project. The fake emails. 

“I know. Yeah, I know. But I’m, I’m not mad. I said we could both pretend to be friends, didn’t I?”

He tried to laugh at his own joke. It falls flat.

“It was wrong. It was wrong and it was so,  _ so bad-- _ ”

“ _ Breathe. _ ”

Connor’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and a familiar ringtone sounded. Quiet. Something he hadn’t heard in months.

He almost dropped his phone as he frantically pulled it out of his pocket to check the message.

_ from: migs _

_ Connor?? are you okay??? what’s going on?? _

Connor stared for a second as the words processed.

_ He’s going through the same thing. _

More importantly, he asked if Connor was okay, and Connor’s reminded of how much he loved him, and how much he misses him, and holy  _ shit _ .

“We’re not the only ones.”

_ to: migs  _

_ i don’t know what’s happening. do u know evan hansen? he’s going through the same thing im calming him down from a panic attack rn. or trying at least  _

“Evan? I can count you through some breathing exercises if you want?”

“O-okay.”

_ from: migs _

_ He’s the project kid right?? I never met him but I’ve heard of him _

“Okay, we’re gonna do four in, four hold, eight out. Can you do that?”

“Mhm. Yeah.”

_ from: migs _

_ Should we try to meet up tonight?? I have to work but after??? _

“In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four.”

_ to: migs _

_ oh god that’s what happened. ok yeah i’m sorry I’ll bring hansen lmk when u get out _

“Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.”

_ from: migs _

_ It’s okay Con, I’m glad you’re okay now. I’m out at 8:30, see you then?? _

“In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four.”

_ to: migs _

_ ok. see u then _

“Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final count: 4 pages. 738 words, 3904 characters.   
> pls kudos, bookmark and comment if u liked it ;w; i swear ill try so hard to get the next chapter out sooner

**Author's Note:**

> i swear to god I’ll update maybe we’re not alone soon. i will I swear mental healths just a bitch and ive been struggling w the chapter.  
> thx for reading remember to kudos bookmark and comment bc i crave attention and validation.


End file.
